Vacation's over. Truth time.

I want to write a few things down while they're fresh so I don't forget how they happened or why. I feel like I needed a few pointers before we left to prepare for. Sometimes there's just no substitute for experience. Besides, no one reads this blog anyway, so if I vent a little it's probably gonna be ok.

1. If you have trouble getting along in the first place, a big family vacay will not have wondrous effects.

Let's face it. When you all embark on a big journey together, each of you will have certain expectations. At some point, each will be very disappointed. This is why I never go anywhere with friends or acquaintances or other people I know. When your children become disappointed, they're going to let everyone around them know how they feel.

No. Matter. What.

Our SoCal vacay started in San Diego, where we would spend Friday evening through Monday morning with Shane's brother Dave. They spent about 3 tanks of gas carting us around showing us the sights and providing for our entertainment. Saturday didn't go as they had planned and we ended up spending most of the day in the car. This was utterly unacceptable to Paige who expressed it loudly and often. Which then led to my telling her off and then to her sobbing uncontrollably- 2 or 3 times that day alone.

She would point out that my rehashing the situation with her was embarrassing for her. She didn't seem to understand that by the time her tantrum was over I needed to explain why her choices were poor and I didn't really care that it was going to be embarrassing for her, as she had already embarrassed me with her behavior.

Finally, things worked themselves out and fun did occur. But at a cost, which was tiring. We played at the beach and in the ocean, a first for most of us.

Sunday things went a little smoother, but was still a jam packed day full of firsts. We started by going to a swap meet, where my kids were exposed to a lot of culture differences and listening to them ask questions and then try to understand the answer was fun. Then we drove to the harbor area where the retired air craft carrier sits. We did a lot of walking around there before heading to dinner which included a 90 minute line out the door and down the sidewalk with a girl behind us who had Turrets Syndrome. Her current tick included, "F&%$ it" and "F*&% you".

Awesome.

Following that weekend I think we could have come home and been perfectly happy with our vacation. I don't think any of us were prepared for the sensory overload and physical challenge we had set up for ourselves in the days to come.

Monday: Dave drove us up to our hotel in the morning, but the hotel could not let us check in that early, so we left our bags and headed to the park. In doing so, I felt rushed and discombobulated, leaving some items behind and feeling unsettled because we weren't in a room yet, etc. However, in the park we did have a good time. We rode several rides and acquainted ourselves with the park a bit.

Around 3pm we headed back to the hotel where we were pleasantly surprised by our room. The 2 room suite included 2 queen beds, sofa-bed & side chair, 2 dressers, kitchen table, full fridge/freezer, 2 burner stove, microwave, sink & dishwasher. There were dishes, pots, pans, silverware, cooking utensils  toaster & colander.

But at that time we had to figure out what to get from a store to bring back to the room to eat all week. We shopped at Target, not far from the hotel, but I bought too much. We ate quite well all week, but really with what we were able to bring up from breakfast each morning, we probably would've gotten by pretty well with some sodas, water, loaves of bread, peanut butter, jelly, a gallon of milk & some cereal. The thing was that by the time we made it back to the hotel each afternoon, we were so tired from walking around that we could barely muster any appetite. We would rest a little then back to the park, skipping dinner entirely.

Not wanting to miss any action at the park, we hurried right on back, and fought almost all night.

Shane fought with the kids, I fought with the kids, the kids fought with each other, Shane & I fought with each other. The lines were long, our feet were killing us, no one knew what they wanted to do or see, people were rude, the kids sat on everything, climbed on everything which made us madder.

On each ride we emerged satisfied and in awe of what we'd experienced, but we would go to the next attraction and do it all again. We stayed for the fireworks that night which I will say were incredible, though we had to stand for them and stand for an hour before them. Still the show was worth it. Then we ran straight for Fantasmic, which also was amazing. Got to sit for that one, thank goodness! Even if I had to stand for that one, it would have been worth it, too. After that, we thought we could do one more ride before heading off to bed, but we didn't anticipate the technical difficulties that ride was experiencing and also couldn't see the deception in how long the line really was. We should have bagged it, but didn't and ended up closing the park that night.

Tuesday was Shane's & my anniversary and we'd heard that World of Color was exceptional, so we opted to spend that day in California Adventure. This park opens a little later than Disneyland and also closes earlier. So we slept in a tad and got some leisurely breakfast. Actually, I woke with a slight headache and a need for a little alone time. Also I was irritated with Shane for freaking out on Ty the night before, so I played up the headache part a bit & everybody went down to breakfast without me. When I felt better, I went down and just as I was getting there they were all coming back up with a tray of food for me.

Awwww. I know.

This part was interesting though. We headed back for the elevator and a few other people also came to that line. When the doors opened, I went in. So did the kids. Apparently we'd missed the cue that Shane doesn't ride in elevators with others cause he was still standing out there with the tray of food. I just said quickly, "It's a busy morning, they're all gonna be full." so he reluctantly stepped inside and faced the side wall.

Uh, weird?! When he looked at me I gave him the face to "turn around retard!" so he did, but then got mad at me for making him feel stupid! Off to a great start.

At the park we did better together, but the second ride we went on was California Screamin' and afterword, Shane got really sick. I was a little irritated that he couldn't pull himself together, but sent him back to the hotel because there was no way he was gonna make it. Guess what? We still had some family issues without him, but for the most part, fought quite a bit less. I didn't go back to the hotel until after 3 to get him.

He was better after that and we were able to do several things that evening, including the World of Color show, which has it's own issues. Sorry Disney, I'm disappointed. Maybe it just didn't live up to the hype, but we waited in that line just to get into the show for over an hour. Standing. Again. Once the show started, my kids couldn't see it! They won't let people sit, so when other peoples kids can't see, parents just hop them right up on their shoulders. I decided to move, was directed to a spot and when that didn't work out very well I asked another one of the employees, "Hey, my kids can't see, is there a better place for us to try?" She shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know what to tell me. When that happened, I just couldn't deal anymore. Everything is such an emotional toll. The show was fine, but in no way did it even come close to comparing to Fantasmic. In my opinion, shot it out of the water. We did end up seeing ok, I guess. Another worker tried to help me after that one girl, but I was a little beyond pulling it together.

The lesson that we learned that day was that the killer is standing. It just plain hurts. Every morning, & afternoon for that matter, after a good rest, the tired legs & sore feet are tolerable but after 20 minutes of standing you just wear out, fast.

So Wednesday, right. We thought we would finish up in California Adventure in the morning and hit Disneyland after the afternoon break. We were able to accomplish this pretty well and time must be healing the wounds cause I don't remember specific fights right now. Although, I'm sure there were several.

I remember the morning and getting there right as the park opened. We wanted to get straight to the Toy Story Mania ride right away because I knew that line would get long fast. Holy crap though! It lined up so insanely fast, even though we were there right when they opened, right when they untied the ropes, when we got to the line it was 2 hours long already. That's just crazy. Instead we lounged about the park a bit, did some less popular rides and worked our way back to Toy Story, where we still had to wait over an hour, but it was a fun ride.

That night, we went back to Disney and did a couple of the things we hadn't done yet. We were able to get the Autopia ride out of the way, which I'm glad we did cause it had so many technical issues as it was. The next day when we walked past they were only running one lane of cars out of 4. No wonder that line gets out of control! We also got to do the Finding Nemo Submarine that night. I have to say that as a small kid I remember the submarine ride and I remember that we went on it at night. I was so glad to hear they brought a submarine ride back to the park! This ride brought back a lot of memories for me & it was awesome besides.

We called it quits after that for the night. Thursday was to be our "Magic Morning" so we headed back to the hotel early. Though there was some issue with the bus system that night, after 45 minutes on the bus, didn't end up turning in very early after all.

The "Magic Morning" :
The tickets we bought included one magic morning, as I'm sure everyone's did. It was to open an hour before the rest of the park & feature certain attractions in both Tomorrowland and Fantasyland. So we had saved most of Tomorrowland for this day. It worked out well because we were able to get into the Star Wars ride pretty fast and almost walk onto both Buzz Lightyear & Space Mountain. Shane decided that rather than ride Space Mountain, he would get us a Fast Pass at Indiana Jones. This worked really well also. By the way, Space Mountain wound up being my all time favorite. I remembered why as a kid I loved it so much! It was closed the last time we were at the park and so I'm glad I got to experience it as an adult!

That morning we got to do a few of our favorites once more like Pirates and Haunted Mansion and Thunder Mountain Railroad. We also got a bit of shopping in, though we hadn't been clear with the kids on souvenirs, which we would pay for later.

By noon our legs were giving in again and it was hot. Dave & Angie were coming down to meet us for dinner that evening at Buca. This is what I thought the plan was: I thought we'd call it early since we'd started early, we wanted to be rested for dinner and also fresh. Then once they headed out we would come back to the park for some nighttime rides and etc. It was, after all, the last night we would be there.

I guess I don't know if we communicated all of these words so much or if it was more implied. I don't know if the kids just didn't think about it or if they saw an opportunity for something else. I don't know if I was unrealistic or what exactly, but I take full responsibility for Thursday night and whatever infamy it will have in our future. This is what happened.

We ate a little for lunch. The TV got turned on. The kids went down to the pool. I knew I was tired and I knew that it would be a late night so I went in to bed. I slept for a good 2 hours or more. The kids weren't gone for quite that long, but when they came up they didn't lay down at all. I was the only one who had a nap that afternoon. Then I showered and got ready for the dinner, which was lovely. It was great to see D&A again and the girls. We had a great dinner. So glad we did that! They came back up to the room for a bit and were impressed.

After they left, I was rearing to go! But Ty looked like he could fall over at any minute, Paige looked tired as well. But I was geared up and ready for the park. As I write this I know that I should have been a mom at that point. I know that I should have sent those kids to bed and been done with the whole thing. I asked twice before we left if Ty thought he would make it, he said yes, but only so not to disappoint me. Which I feel bad about now.

I thought we'd been clear on the plans and as such expected my family to know and recognize their limits also. I knew mine which is why I napped. When we got to the park and no one wanted to do anything, I just got mad. What a waste. I didn't buy the 5 day ticket so that we could spend till noon at the park and the rest of the day at the hotel pool! We can swim at home! We rode all your favorite rides twice, why couldn't I get to ride my fave twice? Because the wait wasn't worth it, that's why. I'll admit to being a beast that night. I knew we were ruining the whole damn thing, but none of us possessed any power at all to stop it from happening.

45 minutes after arriving at the park, we left. It took a long time to get back again, though I don't remember why this time. I watched the park close from the balcony while everyone else was in bed, sleeping soundly.

Friday morning arrived. Like it or not this was the last day. We were a bit beyond starting crazy early but managed to get packed up and out the door pretty well. We even made a pact to simply have a good day and end on a good note.

We did ride Space Mountain again and finish everything that we wanted to. Mostly. I had promised an autograph of Snow White's to the girl babysitting the cats at home and we hadn't seen her all week so that added a bit of pressure, but when we decided to abandon it, it helped.

We spent most of the day shopping for souvenirs, which were elusive. Neither Shane or I had found the things we wanted to jump out at us. Of course, everything jumped out at the kids, so we'd been buying stuff all week and blowing some things off all together. When I found the thing I wanted most, I was unprepared for the pricetag, but Shane insisted I get it anyway. This, of course, put a dejected look on Paige's face which is how the ball starts rolling.

Ty will have nothing else, not at all, we've spent too much on him already, he's just grateful to be here. J's souvenir was the same price as mine so we're all square there. Shane finds what he wants and that's good but there was something we saw this morning that was cute. If I can just find it and get it for Paige, this whole thing goes away! Cant quite remember what it was... can't quite remember where I saw it. Running out of time... run here... run there. Aha! I remember what it was, can I find it anywhere? Of course not.

In the last 10 minutes of our time in the park, we have the biggest meltdown yet, all over a stupid souvenir that Paige didn't even know she had to have or why. The really hard part of it was that the way the rest of the afternoon went, there was time to find it and buy it twice and leave the park thanking it for the wonderful memories and a heartfelt goodbye. Instead we left so angry at each other and embarrassed to be around one another. Ty covered his ears at me and I hit him. Paige and Shane screamed at each other 2 or 3 times. And Jordan just tried to evaporate from our presence. Who can blame him?

After checking out at the hotel, we waited for our shuttle to the airport. That man was very professional and helpful. I would recommend him. Before we even knew it, we were back on a plane and headed home.

The kids now say they had a good time, but I am confident that there will be some roasting about this vacation in years to come. I know now what I should have done differently. My next post will be about pointers and advice, what's worth it and what's not. I hope that we didn't ruin Disney for our kids, but the hard truth is that we might have. It really is the Happiest Place On Earth, but there are tricks to enduring the magic. And each other.

Dear Jesse~

It is now deep into the long hours of the night. The part of the day that I love the very most. The only problem I have when I am so enjoying the stillness of the night is that it makes me miss you. I miss coffee at 3 am. I miss talking to you and laughing. There are very few things that I want to return to that time period for, in fact there are no things I want to return for, except you.

I have blocked out so many memories of those miserable high school days! I'll tell you what I do remember. I remember the day we met. I laughed so hard that day; there was a party, a trampoline, a park, and you. Some other people were there, but I only remember a couple of them. It is an interesting memory, like in the movies: yours is the only face that is in focus.

Then school started, and you were there! I know I was shocked to see you again, but the truth was, I was kinda elated. That connection was awesome and I wanted to keep getting to know you. I don't remember having very many classes together, but during every assembly you were by my side or very nearby.

I remember dating the guy you hated most in the whole world, and I didn't listen to you about him. When I did date someone else in the school, you stood up for me. I always appreciated that, even though all my girlfriends wanted me to be mad at you for doing it. I probably never told you how grateful I was to you for that.

Remember the notes we wrote?!! Oh the non-stop notes! If only I had been able to take such copious notes in English!  You were so funny, and you listened to me in all those notes. Every single thing I went through back then, you got me through.

Remember your old little white car? You always drove with your head pushed back against the headrest. I wonder if you still do that? It kinda made me crazy, a little. Now though I think you were kinda adorable. What a funny thing to hang onto for so long.

I remember all those long walks you took with me around the river, and how I couldn't walk on the outside of the sidewalk, because you were protecting me. Then I thought it was silly, but now when someone does it for me or I see it done, I always think of you and smile. Thank you for loving me then.

I remember a little about an outdoor dance in the parking lot once. It's not a super happy memory, I probably screwed that day up. The DJ played a song by Will Smith and the air was red. It doesn't make sense.

These are my most important and sacred memories of you. That awkward period of time when I was keeping my biggest secret ever, you and I sat in the hallway at school in front of my locker. You were the only one I told for the longest time. I was so relieved to have a friend be so trustworthy and loyal. Any single one of my girlfriends would have gossiped about it in the bathroom. Actually, I can still hear your voice in my head after I told you. You said my name in such a scandalous way, taking the pressure off of me and the moment and giving me the permission I needed to open up to you completely.

Then the day after D died. This is the most vivid. It plays out in my mind so clearly, it's haunting. Sometimes I dream it. When I found out I could think of nothing else but finding you. I needed you and I liked to imagine that you needed me too, that day. I don't know if you did. I still think of you every time I drive by the house that we spent the day at then. I don't know why we were there, though. Nor do I even know whose house it was. I had found you, I needed you and I clung to that need, even though parts of us were already starting to unravel.

After the funeral, I fell for you. Really I did, but there was nothing for us then. I was too afraid of others judging us and of losing you, which now I see as such a contradiction because I ended up losing you anyway. We had already lost too much. As awful as that day was, it's the one I want back the most because I would do it differently. I would have stayed with you, damn the consequences. I loved you. I promise. And I'm so sorry I wasn't as loyal to you as you were to me.

Finally, the day. That stupid, awful, no good, dirty, rotten day. I remember saying such an awful thing to you about your family. Why on earth would I do that? I still don't even know. I meant it different than it sounded, but even then it was awful. Apologies weren't enough to mend the damage. Our rift was too wide and I know not all of that was my doing, but much of it was and I want you to know how much I truly regret that.

I remember visiting you once on Catherine. I hope I said meaningful things that day. I wanted to try. I didn't really expect you to want to carry that much baggage, but part of me hoped. I know things are the way they are for a reason.

And now, deep into the night, when I breathe deep, the crisp scent in the air carries me to you. Not anyone else. You. All these years, I have found love and happiness, and I hope you have too, but you are my greatest "what if". I write this letter in some form about once a year. I never send it, I never find you. It is better for all, I am sure, and I don't want to disrupt whatever harmony I hope you have created for yourself, but I hope that some day we can share another memory together. Some day.

I miss you. I love you. Always.