Dear Jesse~

It is now deep into the long hours of the night. The part of the day that I love the very most. The only problem I have when I am so enjoying the stillness of the night is that it makes me miss you. I miss coffee at 3 am. I miss talking to you and laughing. There are very few things that I want to return to that time period for, in fact there are no things I want to return for, except you.

I have blocked out so many memories of those miserable high school days! I'll tell you what I do remember. I remember the day we met. I laughed so hard that day; there was a party, a trampoline, a park, and you. Some other people were there, but I only remember a couple of them. It is an interesting memory, like in the movies: yours is the only face that is in focus.

Then school started, and you were there! I know I was shocked to see you again, but the truth was, I was kinda elated. That connection was awesome and I wanted to keep getting to know you. I don't remember having very many classes together, but during every assembly you were by my side or very nearby.

I remember dating the guy you hated most in the whole world, and I didn't listen to you about him. When I did date someone else in the school, you stood up for me. I always appreciated that, even though all my girlfriends wanted me to be mad at you for doing it. I probably never told you how grateful I was to you for that.

Remember the notes we wrote?!! Oh the non-stop notes! If only I had been able to take such copious notes in English!  You were so funny, and you listened to me in all those notes. Every single thing I went through back then, you got me through.

Remember your old little white car? You always drove with your head pushed back against the headrest. I wonder if you still do that? It kinda made me crazy, a little. Now though I think you were kinda adorable. What a funny thing to hang onto for so long.

I remember all those long walks you took with me around the river, and how I couldn't walk on the outside of the sidewalk, because you were protecting me. Then I thought it was silly, but now when someone does it for me or I see it done, I always think of you and smile. Thank you for loving me then.

I remember a little about an outdoor dance in the parking lot once. It's not a super happy memory, I probably screwed that day up. The DJ played a song by Will Smith and the air was red. It doesn't make sense.

These are my most important and sacred memories of you. That awkward period of time when I was keeping my biggest secret ever, you and I sat in the hallway at school in front of my locker. You were the only one I told for the longest time. I was so relieved to have a friend be so trustworthy and loyal. Any single one of my girlfriends would have gossiped about it in the bathroom. Actually, I can still hear your voice in my head after I told you. You said my name in such a scandalous way, taking the pressure off of me and the moment and giving me the permission I needed to open up to you completely.

Then the day after D died. This is the most vivid. It plays out in my mind so clearly, it's haunting. Sometimes I dream it. When I found out I could think of nothing else but finding you. I needed you and I liked to imagine that you needed me too, that day. I don't know if you did. I still think of you every time I drive by the house that we spent the day at then. I don't know why we were there, though. Nor do I even know whose house it was. I had found you, I needed you and I clung to that need, even though parts of us were already starting to unravel.

After the funeral, I fell for you. Really I did, but there was nothing for us then. I was too afraid of others judging us and of losing you, which now I see as such a contradiction because I ended up losing you anyway. We had already lost too much. As awful as that day was, it's the one I want back the most because I would do it differently. I would have stayed with you, damn the consequences. I loved you. I promise. And I'm so sorry I wasn't as loyal to you as you were to me.

Finally, the day. That stupid, awful, no good, dirty, rotten day. I remember saying such an awful thing to you about your family. Why on earth would I do that? I still don't even know. I meant it different than it sounded, but even then it was awful. Apologies weren't enough to mend the damage. Our rift was too wide and I know not all of that was my doing, but much of it was and I want you to know how much I truly regret that.

I remember visiting you once on Catherine. I hope I said meaningful things that day. I wanted to try. I didn't really expect you to want to carry that much baggage, but part of me hoped. I know things are the way they are for a reason.

And now, deep into the night, when I breathe deep, the crisp scent in the air carries me to you. Not anyone else. You. All these years, I have found love and happiness, and I hope you have too, but you are my greatest "what if". I write this letter in some form about once a year. I never send it, I never find you. It is better for all, I am sure, and I don't want to disrupt whatever harmony I hope you have created for yourself, but I hope that some day we can share another memory together. Some day.

I miss you. I love you. Always.